Sleep who needs it? ME!

Last night I went to bed at 11:30 pm.  The whole house was quiet and nobody stirred as they usually do right as my head hit the pillow.  I lay there wide awake waiting; waiting for the cries that snap me to attention.  My mind raced and I could not settle.  It seemed that even when given the opportunity I still could not seize the sleep I so desperately needed.

Somehow four years of interrupted or non-existent sleep has caused a kind of insomnia that my body has become used to, so even with the snippets of sleep I do get I never wake feeling refreshed.  Yet the day stretches before me like a very long road in the desert; a road shimmering in a hot, bright haze that I must follow.  With no choice I have to go forward as best I can, forcing my body to function normally in the situations and demands of motherhood that anyone would find challenging and relentless.

Image credit: rinder / 123RF Stock Photo
Image credit: rinder / 123RF Stock Photo

I lay there willing myself to relax and go to sleep but I could not.  After an hour and a half I was finally feeling sleepy and Master 2 started crying out for me.  I struggled up and staggered bleary-eyed to his bed to comfort him and shusssssh him back to sleep.  I tried to open my eyes properly but they felt like they were filled with sand, they were gritty and sore.  I patted him and soon he was fast asleep again.  So I wandered back and fell into my own bed, I noticed it was 1:30 am.

I laid there and fell into a kind of blurry half-sleep.  At 2:35 pm Master 2 was awake again, with what I can only put down to ‘night terrors’ as he was screaming out for me.  I rushed in to him, running into the couch along my way and hurting my shin.  I needed him to shut up so he didn’t wake the others.

Finally I got back to bed only to have my familiar pattern keep repeated as Master 4 soon cried out for his teddy that he couldn’t find when he stirred.  Then Master 1 woke at 4.30 am for a drink and a cuddle.  Mr Magentafrog’s alarm went off at 5:30 am.  It just keeps happening.

I know I have spoken of the relentless necessity of motherhood before.  Those that have been through it often talk of it ‘getting better’ and that ‘this too will pass’, but no-one can tell me when.  When will it get better?  When can I sleep again?

As I write to you dear Readers, Master 1 is toddling around with a plastic bowl jammed on his head grinning and dribbling at me.  He is gorgeous, yet I visualise the day when he doesn’t need me and wonder if I will feel relieved or bereft.


10 thoughts on “Sleep who needs it? ME!

  1. A mixture of both I would suspect, for that is what I feel as my children become more independent each day. The sleepless nights do pass, for me I have only just started having more nights slept through than not (only in the past 2 or 3 weeks) This is the 7th year of being a mum. It’s takes time for your body and mind to reset itself, especially when you have been use to getting up on a regular basis. Each child is different, take the eldest of my two brothers. Blessed with 2 kids that starting sleeping the nights through at about 8 weeks of age. Man, what I wouldn’t do to have at experienced that once!!! ;o) Miss 6 1/2 slept better than Master 4 from about 18 months of age. However, Master 4 was the better sleeper as he had a regular sleeping pattern, and ultimately, went straight back to sleep after feed and bum change. This was bliss for me; especially after Miss 6 1/2 turned out to be a napper/night owl for first 6 months of her life. I struggled to live on just 20 minutes of light sleep every 2 hours, it was hell on earth!

    We have been a bit firmer with Master 4 in the past 3-4 weeks about getting up, telling us he is going to the toilet, doing his business, then coming back to tell us that he has flushed it and could we tuck him back into bed. This has now resulted in us being disrupted at lot less at night, mind you I still hear him get up and go to the toilet, so the mother’s brain has quite switched off yet. ;o)


    1. Ah yes, to experience a full night sleep just once! I’ve forgotten what it’s like! My Master 4 is also good through the night with toileting but still announces very early and loudly that he needs a poo! Yes I don’t think our brains will ever switch off! xo


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